Are You Stuck In a Toxic Relationship?

"I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do."

Helen Keller, 1880 - 1968, American deaf-blind author and suffragist.

I was in a dangerous toxic relationship and couldn't take it anymore!

Hello! My name is Ava. A few years ago, I loaded up my three little girls, three cats, a pet chicken, and every possession I could discreetly pack into my car. We fled across the country to what I hoped and prayed would be a better life.

I was very frightened, but knew that if I stayed, I would possibly be dead by my husband's hands within a year. The probable fate of my daughters, if I were not around to protect them, was too horrible to contemplate.

If you are reading this, it is likely that you or someone you care about is in a painful, and perhaps dangerous, relationship.

This site is for you: to give you hope in the midst of despair, to help you find clarity in the midst of confusion, and to inspire you to step out courageously and live the joyful and fulfilling life God meant for you to have.

I will help you along the way, and there will be others come alongside you also. God did not intend for you to walk this path alone. He has led you to this site to help you get the answers you need, and find the peace that you crave. Don't give up!

Let me tell you briefly some of my background.

I worked professionally in the domestic violence and sexual assault field for several years. I knew all the signs of abusive men and toxic relationships. I should have been able to steer clear of them, but I couldn't.

I was stuck in an endless and painful cycle of personal toxic relationships. Even with all my professional training, I couldn't figure out how to escape the cycle permanently.

In addition, I didn't know how to really help our toughest clients - Christian women who stayed with their abusers because they unwaveringly believed God required them to. They thought they had to stay, be submissive and obedient, and just pray quietly for their husbands.

I was, and am, a committed Christian myself.

I wanted to please God, be obedient to His Word, and do the right thing for everyone involved. Like most others, I only knew the traditional church's teachings on wifely submission and obedience. I didn't know any other way. So the cycle for all of us continued.

I eventually left the field burned-out, and married a man I will call Brian.

We met online on a Christian singles site. I was attracted to his passionate relationship with God, traditional beliefs, and was ready to be a full-time mother and homemaker. I thought I had found a good man, and was finally leaving toxic relationships behind me forever.

My marriage to Brian forever changed me.

Our story started out romantic and idealistic. But a few years later I was fleeing from him for my life.

God didn't make me marry this guy, and in hindsight I feel He tried to warn me against it. However, in spite of that terrible mistake, God stayed faithful to me through the next few years.

He used the experience to teach me the truth about who He is, and what He wants for us ladies who find ourselves trapped in these confusing and heart-breaking relationships.

I eventually experienced, when I was ready for it, a dramatic inner deliverance from Him that stopped the cycle of abuse in my life. There is so much I have learned that I want to share with you!

This website is full of hope and comfort for you.

You will find the answers you need. Read my story with an open, expectant heart and mind, trusting God to help you see His truth and love for you in your own circumstances.

The inner storm can be quieted, and you can have peace and confidence in Him as you navigate your way through some tough decisions ahead. God is for you. Let Him show you how much He truly loves you!

For the record:

I do not condone separation or divorce in general. PLEASE study the Sliding Scale Toward Marital Breakdown to see where your relationship fits, and what the purpose of this website is.

In the United States, an average of three women die every day at their intimate partner's hands. More than five children die every day as a result of child abuse.

I'm sure many of these women were hoping and praying this man they loved would change, and learn to love them and their children.

Violence is NOT God's will for you. Down deep, you know that.

If you will let Him, He will help you know what the right thing to do is. You can live free of guilt, of shame, and of feeling like a hypocrite if you do decide to leave.

So please read on and join me on my journey to freedom from the cycle of painful toxic relationships.

Leave Toxic Relationship Survival Guide Home, and read About Me

Cyberstalking

Protecting yourself includes understanding cyberstalking and using computers safely. Please use your computer with caution if you may be in a dangerous situation.

Contents

Contents

Sliding Scale Toward Marital Breakdown

A sliding scale that will help you determine the health or toxicity of your relationship.

Prayer Requests

Do you need prayer today? Send me your prayer requests and I and a team of intercessors will pray for you. Free and confidential.

About Me

My husband felt secure about me, that I was dependent on him and a mild-mannered mostly submissive Christian wife. I wasn’t going anywhere.

My Salvation Testimony

Recently I was asked to prepare my salvation testimony to share with a group. I cringed at the well-intentioned request, because I do not have one.

Animal Abuse

Animal abuse is a dangerous character flaw that affects relationships. Anyone with the capacity to be indifferent or cruel to animals is capable of hurting you.

Financial Abuse

Financial abuse makes you feel helpless because your access to resources and personal freedom are tightly controlled and monitored, making it difficult to leave an abuser.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse and assault is about control, therefore sex is a weapon an intimate partner may use to express his power over his perceived property.

Spiritual Abuse

Spiritual beliefs are central to how many of us women understand and respond to spiritual abuse in toxic relationships.

Finding the Truth

Errant religious leaders couldn't keep me from finding the truth that set me free from my abuse.

Foundational Principals

There are three foundational principals to keep in mind as we search for understanding of what God wants for us and our intimate relationships.

Seven Factors of a Contract

The meaning and importance of a Biblical marriage contract, or covenant, through seven characteristics.

Four Elements That Define a Contract

Four elements provide an important practical definition of the covenant of marriage.

Breach of Covenant - Part I

What is a breach of covenant? Does adultery only mean illicit sex? Are there other meanings and applications beyond the physical act? Yes there are!

Divorce

We have established that God permits divorce for more than just physical adultery. Is there a broader context in which to view it? What is God's heart desire for you?

His Toxic Fruit

I had a rude awakening to the reality of phony salvation and toxic fruit. I now have a healthy caution toward people who claim to be radically saved and changed.

Is His 'Change' Genuine?

Here are some evidences of genuine change in your partner. If these aren't happening, you are still stuck in a cycle of abuse.

But He's Mostly Good!

Even with my professional training, I ignored far too many signs. I considered my husband to be 'mostly good' when actually he was abusive and controlling.

Three Possible Solutions

If your relationship is toxic, here are three solutions to carefully and prayerfully consider.

Couples Counseling

Three reasons why couples counseling frequently does NOT work in an abusive and toxic relationship.

Potential Consequences of Passivity

I tried to ignore the potential consequences of passively staying with my abuser. I just wanted the whole mess to go away and life to be normal.

Statistics for You

Violence is very serious, and can turn tragic too quickly. You are not alone, as you will see from these sobering statistics.

Statistics for Your Children - I

The devastating effects of violence, abuse and neglect of kids is heartbreaking. I plead with you to put the needs of your children first. They desperately need you to protect them!

Your Health at Risk

A toxic relationship puts your health at risk! The stress is enormous and you need extra care and health support, both mentally and physically.

Safety Plan for Children

If getting out is not yet a viable solution, please talk to your children about what is going on in the home, and provide a safety plan for what to do when there is violence.

No Regrets

I have no regrets and I don’t want anyone’s pity. I see everything that happened as the means to get me to where I am today.

A Bug's Life

I was curious as to what was so special about this bug that God would defend its life. What did it matter?

Wounded by Christians

Have you been wounded by another Christian, or by the church at large? Here is what God wants you to know.

Forgiveness

Without genuine forgiveness on my part toward those who have wronged me, I would not be able to enjoy intimacy with Him.

Connecting with Jesus

Connecting with Jesus is thrilling. While other people are helpful and supportive to talk to, God wants to hear directly from you! Don’t leave Him out.

An Invitation to Salvation

If you look for meaning, purpose and love anywhere other than in Jesus, you will miss it. Jesus alone is your salvation, the answer you have been looking for.

Is Suffering Biblical?

Sometimes when suffering happens, Christians are surprised and question God, “How could You let this happen to me? I thought you were a loving God!”